I have been pondering lately whether or not my brain issues came first or my substance abuse problems. I am curious what other people think on this issue! Ever since I can remember, I felt different, like I operated on a different frequency from other, 'normal' people.What led me to believe this I wonder? Still, today, I have a hard time functioning at the 'normal' rate. I cant sleep, or I sleep too much. I can't eat, or I eat too much. I don't seem to feel joy, or I feel it too much. Seems the Bipolar 1 diagnosis maybe correct after all!
My mood today is strange. I am neither happy nor sad. I am tired as I did not have my sleep medication last night and I have terrible cravings to get high. Wanting to get high on any kind of substance (except weed, I don't do hard drugs, lol) is the one constant I can be sure of.
I'm not sure why, no matter how good or how bad I feel, I want to get high. I am simply not comfortable in my own skin. While I know this feeling will never pass, I wonder how I will live with it for the rest of my life.
The more healing I undergo, the more healing I need....the never ending circle of healing seems so trying and exhausting. Will there ever be any relief?
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